I broke up with the most amazing guy today. I know, what am I thinking? Great guys are few and far between. This one is really great. He is tall and handsome with beautiful blue eyes. He is thoughtful, introspective, respectful, smart and open to talking about anything. He teaches yoga and loves to cook. Truly, he is the whole package. "So what," you ask, "is the issue?"
He is in the middle of a divorce.
"So what?" you ask, again. "His marriage is over and it's time for him to move on. Why not to you? You deserve a guy just like that one."
I know I deserve a great guy. And I am going to get one. But just not this one. At least not right now.
Guys, and girls, going through a divorce are NOT YET READY to be in a new, committed relationship. Yes, they are getting out of a relationship and so technically they are available. Their heart is broken and what better way to fix a broken heart than by falling in love again. But the reality is quite different. People going through a divorce are going through a time of tremendous upheaval and stress and are in no way ready to handle a new relationship, as appealing as it may be.
Here are 5 reasons why you shouldn't get into a relationship with someone in the middle of his divorce.
1. Right now it's all about the divorce. The anger, the bitterness, the negotiations, the children. It's his divorce, though, not yours, and it's his journey to go through, not yours.
2. Like it or not, he is still emotionally attached to his ex. Sure he may seem to hate her but there is a thin line, at this point, between love and hate.
3. He needs to have some time alone to process the divorce and what caused the divorce. It's important to take stock of what happened to prevent it from happening again.
4. If he has kids he needs to spend more time with them to help them get through this life changing experience.
5. He is on the rebound. Big time. And rebound relationships almost always fail. You don't want to be the rebound relationship.
Are you involved with someone who is in the middle of divorce but still think that you can make it work? Here are 5 signs that he or she is not ready to commit to you.
1. Does he talk about his ex more than 10% of the time?
2. Does he process the details of his divorce frequently?
3. He is overwhelmed by thoughts of the future?
4. Does he avoid talking about a future with you?
5. Is he hesitant about getting intimate?
If you answered "yes" to any or all of these questions, then most likely your new love isn't yet ready to commit to you. And if you answered "yes" to any of these questions you should not wait around for him until he is ready. He might not be doing it consciously but he is stringing you along, using you to help process his anger and to fill up that empty space left by the end of the marriage. You deserve better than that. You need to walk away.
Today I walked away from a man with whom I could see myself spending the rest of my life. It was incredibly difficult. I do believe, however, that if we are meant to be we will find each other again. He needs to go through his divorce and do his work so that he will be ready to meet me head on for this amazing relationship that I know that we could have. And I have faith in this one, that he will do his work and come find me. But if he doesn't, I have walked away with my head held high, knowing that I deserve someone who is ready to love me, completely, right now.
I am a certified life coach specializing in divorce support. I support your journey through divorce so that you can get what you need to emerge healthy and strong into the rest of your new life.
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