Soon after my husband announced he wanted I divorce I decided to move out of our house. His anger was making it very hard to live there and I thought that maybe some distance would help us mend things. Soon after I moved out we listed the house for sale. I was a realtor so I was responsible for the listing. Because it was a fabulous, almost new, house, we had a number of showings right away. I called one of the agents who had shown the house and asked her for feedback. She sent me quite an extensive email, listing all of the shortcomings of my house and indicating that her husband was a contractor and that he would be available to consult on fixing these problems. Two things struck me: she wasn't talking about my house and her husband was the best friend of my painter in Maine, where we used to live. My painter had given me his name but I had lost it in the move. So I called her up, told her she was confused about which house I was asking about and that I knew a friend of her husband. She invited me out for drinks on the spot.
Someone was looking out for me. What a friend she turned out to be. You know, the kind of girlfriend who just gets you right away. She was tall and beautiful and full of life and laughter AND she was madly in love with her husband. Wow! Something new for me. None of my friends were still madly in love with their husbands. Of course, it was her second marriage. She had come through a wretched divorce herself and had found the love of her life. There she stood before me, less than one month after my husband's pronouncement, a testament to what could be.
It was this friend who gave me the tools to get through this difficult time in my life. To get through it in a way that would allow me to stay sane and to feel good about myself at the other end.
Here is what she said:
1. Gather all of the things that you love around you. They will give you strength.
2. Don't be angry. It will only make things worse. Look at your husband with compassion. He is only human. He is making mistakes that he can't see now but that he will have to live with.
3. Treat your soon to be ex like someone you have a hard time working with. Keep the emotions out of it. Keep it purely business.
4. Be honest. With yourself, with your kids. Always.
5. Be kind. To yourself and to your soon to be ex. Always.
6. Pay very close attention to your divorce settlement. Alimony is non-negotiable after a divorce; child support is. Make sure that you get what you need to be able to take care of yourself and your children.
7. A few drinks and some warm olives can go a long way towards making a bad day just a little bit better.
I have many girlfriends. It is one of the biggest gifts in my life, the number of women who will love me and support me unconditionally. I read recently that women actually get more INTIMACY from women than they do from men. If you really think about what you get from your girlfriends you will understand what that means. I thank heavens for them every day.
I am a certified life coach specializing in divorce support. I support the journey through divorce so that you can get what you need to emerge healthy and strong into the rest of your new life.
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